Christmas.
It is a time of year that we are told is for a time of connection. A time to catch up with family and friends. A time to focus on the good things in life and forget about all the other things happening in the world. There is a common stigma surrounding this time of year where those that show any opposition to the ‘joy of Christmas’ are labelled a ‘Grinch’. “Oh, come on, it’s Christmas!” is thrown around way too easily.
However, for many, Christmas is not a wonderful time of year. It can be a reminder of something not very joyful at all. Whether you are forced to reunite with unpleasant undesirables, whether you have family that has cast you aside (for various stupid reasons), or you may be fleeing from family violence. For others, Christmas can be a very lonely, depressing and anxiety inducing time. A reminder of who we no longer have with us. For many (more than you think), Christmas is a time we wish escape from, nor participate in.
Well, thankfully, a new theatre production is here to provide that escape, siding with these groups and shedding light on what Christmas really means to some people. Quite literally, a place to shout out loud, “FUCK CHRISTMAS!” and stick it to the capitalist machine that we have consistently shoved down our throats annually.
Hosted at Melbourne’s Malthouse Theatre, Written by Sarah Ward, Directed by and Co-Written by Susie Dee, with the full cast also in as Co-Creators, F CHRISTMAS is a raunchy, burlesque style, comedy, and eye-opening production, spread across several sketch and acrobatic performances, which drive a train right through the concept of Christmas itself.
Before the show even began, patrons that arrived early were treated to some cast members wandering around the foyer and spreading the “Christmas Cheer”. A character in a giant white and fuzzy wig, dressed as a Santa Sleigh (Nicci Wilks), was searching for Santa. Apparently, he was late for his appearance to take photos.
Not long after, Santa (John Marc Desengano) finally arrived, cleverly slotting in behind Santa’s Chair, and placing his arms through a fake Santa torso and legs. Before long, a drummer also appeared in a sparkling blue Drummer Boy style outfit with one omission, she was not wearing any pants. Finally, everyone’s favourite Elf on the Shelf emerged like you have never seen him before. Dressed in a full body skin-tight shiny red latex outfit, complete with his signature hat, this Elf (Seth Sladen) assisted the Box Office staff by handing out to patrons their tickets. The show hadn’t even started, and I was already thoroughly entertained!
Walking into the theatre, carols appear to play over the loudspeakers but with a strange glitch in the audio every few minutes. The stage was dressed in Christmas themed decorations, with what appeared to be a rail track that ran across the front of the stage. To the right, a drum kit and other instruments were placed, and to the left, a dumpster is filled with wrapping and other Christmas related trash.
The theatre soon went dark, and our Santa Sleigh and Emcee appeared on the balcony, slowly making her way down a rope as she introduced the show and gave a Welcome to Country. She warned us of what was to come and to approach it with an open mind and good sense of humour.
F CHRISTMAS, nah, we’re all adults here, right? FUCK CHRISTMAS is a fantastic production. This show has such a wide range of performances that all stand out in their own right. We have our hosts for the evening with John Marc Desengano and Sarah Ward taking on the personas of the hosts from Carols By Candlelight, complete with a truth-bomb-dropping-run of anecdotes that call out the recycled production that appears on our screens year after year. The pair poke holes into the gender bias of gift card giving, and even poke fun at the Carols’ hosts themselves.
After a wonderful opening full-ensemble number with some killer vocals from Ward, our first sketch number came at the hands of Dale Woodbridge-Brown, with a funny and cheeky rendition of ‘I’m Gettin’ Nuttin for Christmas’. Arriving on a miniature train, Woodbridge-Brown opens a series of empty gifts before skipping the track into a fabulous dance routine with two Spinning Staffs. How he managed to spin these staffs so quickly and so high in the air, catching them with ease in such low light, was truly remarkable.
Another trope of the festive time of year is Christmas drinks. An excuse to get out on the town and let loose. For some, letting a little too loose. Although I have seen my fair share of incredible hoop routines, I have never seen it done whilst the performer appears drunk. This routine came at the hands and wobbly legs of Jess Love.
Stumbling onto the stage in what can best be described as their interpretation of ‘white girl wasted’, Love struggled to pick up the hoop and continued to deliberately make mistakes because, well, they are drunk. I can’t even imagine how difficult it must have been for a seasoned professional to make the choice to deliberately create flaws in a routine. It was exciting to watch, backed by the house band led by Bec Matthews on the drums as they performed a rockin’ cover of ‘Security’ by Amyl and the Sniffers, with the lyrics, “I’m not that drunk. Will you let me into your pub?” being the perfect fit.
Periodically throughout the show, the Elf on the Shelf that I saw beforehand, would return in various positions on stage. Perfectly representing the scary nature of the weird doll that has become an internet sensation. Seth Sladen would be draped over a ledge, moving slowly before the lights went black, only for him to reposition. At times, he even pointed into the audience and wagged his finger in disappointment, almost as if he were accusing certain patrons of being naughty. It wasn’t all spooks and hilarity from Sladen though, as he stripped out of his latex red suit to perform a fabulous aerial ring routine that left the packed Malthouse Theatre with their jaws hanging open in awe and cheering with excitement.
Following on from Sladen’s ring routine, our Emcee, Nicci Wilks returned dressed in a giant Savers Tote Bag and did something that I never expected. Using the giant ring, Wilks turned it into a giant and very heavy hula hoop. I have no idea how she managed to do this and still stay upright, but it was much funnier than I ever expected it to be.
FUCK CHRISTMAS also has plenty of nudity; from a number where two female figures (Joh Fairley and Wai-Zea Man) are dressed and wrapped up as presents, performing a dance number about giving ‘Sex for Christmas’, to Gabi Barton undressing to decorate a Christmas tree. And just when you think she’s got nothing left to put on the tree, as she is fully naked, she quite literally pulls out the final decoration. Stunning.
However, the nudity isn’t always meant to be sexy or raunchy, with one number in the middle of the show that sends a very powerful and important message regarding consent. Three female figures dressed in sports shorts and hoodies, each place a small fitness trampoline on the stage. They begin to start a workout, from jumping on the trampolines to running on the spot.
Eventually, each remove their hoodies to reveal a single word on each of their shirts, “Ho”. A clever double-meaning, with all three of them spelling out the Christmas phrase “Ho, Ho, Ho” whilst at the same time, drawing attention to women being referred to as ‘Ho’s’.
On the back of these shirts, a message of “No means no!” was in bold visible letters, drawing attention to that fact that far too many women are being assaulted whilst just trying to go about their day. The trio strip all the way down to their bare skin as they continue to run, jump on and around the trampolines. Definitely a message worth paying attention to and proof to the point that nudity is not always sexual. Plus, the execution of this was brilliant.
Continuing with the nudity theme, the show concludes with the full cast on stage, with the female cast members appearing fully nude and the male cast shirtless but wearing tiny briefs or a thong. Every single one of them were holding one of those giant bouncy balls with the handles. You know, the one you had as a kid where you used them to bounced around the house on. Well, this lot gleefully bounced around the stage, all with beaming smiles on their faces and laughing the entire time.
FUCK CHRISTMAS has everything! It is funny, sexy, queer, eye-opening, political, satirical, smart, and is filled with thorough, passionate, feisty and incredible performances from everyone involved. Christmas isn’t perfect. Christmas is chaos! So, if you are not afraid to see some skin and open up your mind to something a little left of field, then this is one show you absolutely must see this festive season. Plus, if you do, I hope that you leave with a new appreciation to those around you that don’t enjoy Christmas the way that society narrowly expects and demands everyone should.
I felt so much joy as I watched this talented tribe just emit their own version of festive inclusion and pleasure. They were raw, real, felt liberated, were soaking up each other’s spirits, and were having the best damn time on that Malthouse stage.
With performances running until the 15th of December 2024 and a neat 75min run time (no interval), there is really no excuse for you to miss out on FUCK CHRISTMAS!
For more information and ticketing, visit:
https://www.malthousetheatre.com.au/whats-on/season-2024/f-christmas
Photography by Gregory Lorenzutti.
